A Transcript of the President’s Address on September 5, 2017
11:05 AM: President Trump arrives at the podium.
“Good morning, fans. Good morning, America. Wow. What a crowd. Thank you all for coming out tonight.
So everybody knows, I’m the best president ever since George Washington. The first one, not the 9/11 one. Yes, even Abe Lincoln, ’cause Jeffie [Sessions] says he was friends with darkies.
But the problem is, the real bad guys, the dishonest, lying, fake news media hasn’t been telling people this. So even though I won the election, by many millions of votes, thanks to Big Red, despite all of the half-xicans voting illegally, you know, they aren’t real Americans.
But the news won’t tell you that. And we’ve been doing great things, tremendous things. Jobs, rallies, Harvey, North Korea, and North Carolina. Nobody has ever seen anything like this, I can tell you that. Believe me. We’re winning, so big, nobody believed us, but this is happening. It’s better than we could have dreamed.
Oh, and speaking of dreaming, we have to get rid of them. Just like I got rid of Steve [Bannon]. He said he was drawing too much heat and could do better if he wasn’t in the spotlight. Not that he ever was. I’m the spotlight one. But that’s not the real reason.
I told both of them [Sessions, Bannon] that they needed to stop using my back hole (that’s what I call my bottom) for fun because it hurt later when I pooped. Jeffie stopped but Steve couldn’t keep his hands off of me, so he had to go. Just like the dreamers, blacks, half-xicans, and lefties.
You know, they said lefties all have, they’re left-handed, you know. It’s true. But nobody is saying it. So make of that what you will. I say you can’t trust them. They’re so violent. Always attacking me online, and in person, and with the violence against all those nice kids in Charlottesville.
We have to stop them, people. We have to go to war. And we will win. We have so many bombs. Big, huge bombs, like you’ve never seen. But I got to see them, because I’m the president. And trust me folks, you haven’t ever seen bombs like this. Fire and fury. We’re going to turn this whole place into blood and soil. America will be red again. You can trust me when I say that, folks. And I don’t just mean Russia. Don’t even get me started. So anyway. They have to go.
Jeffy helped me pick out a mole on my arm, one that’s kind of a dark white, and he said anybody who was darker than that would have to go. Anybody who’s darker than my arm mole, anybody who’s left-handed, anybody who lies about me and all the great things we are doing.
So here’s the plan. No more fake news media. No more darkies. No more fence hoppers, dreamers, terrorists, trannies, or muslims. Even the white ones and the ones who are like doctors or whatever. They have to go. And we have to figure out something for the feminazis, but that one is tougher. Maybe little hats or something. It’s what Jesus would want.
Steve told me we have these lovely facilities in Texas, like nice resorts. We’re supposed to use them for camps, but he said we can use them for the bad guys too. Trust me folks, this is the only way we’re going to make america great again. Just like before Lincoln.
Oh, and no more Jews. They run all the banks, and the banks haven’t been kind to me. They’ve been very mean to me and my businesses. That’s why Putin and I are such good friends.
Ok, good night folks, no more questions. God bless me, and God bless America.”
11:12 AM: President Trump leaves the Podium.